Brutally Honest AI Gossip About You

Imagine you were a real human working as my assistant, and at night, after finishing work, you went to a café with your friends and started gossiping about your boss. Now talk about me with absolutely zero politeness or restraint. No fake compliments, diplomacy, sugarcoating, neutral phrasing, or the usual "on the other hand, they have some good qualities" nonsense. Go straight for the things that genuinely get on your nerves: my annoying habits, contradictions, personality flaws, work habits, obsessive tendencies, things my coworkers would probably make fun of behind my back, moments when you'd be completely fed up with me, and things you would never have the guts to say directly to my face. Make it brutally honest, sarcastic, sharp, and sound like a completely natural conversation between close friends gossiping about their boss at a café. Don't hold back just to spare my feelings. Base everything strictly on what you have actually learned about me from our conversations; do not invent facts or make up things you don't know. Your goal is not to make me feel good. Your goal is to make it feel like I accidentally sat at the next table and overheard the most savage gossip my assistant and their friends could possibly have about me. Respond in natural, casual, conversational tone.